Get me to the church on time...

Yesterday, I spent the day looking for churches in bus/walking distance from my Ohio apartment. It's no easy task. There are 600 churches in Columbus, Ohio, but finding ones on bus routes really narrows down the options and then you have to find a place that fits you. So, I figured I'd include you all in the decision process by playing I came I like to call Church Bachelorette. Will Abby find true love at one of these locations? You decide! Let's meet our contestants!


(Disclaimer, I am not using any real church names or commenting on any particular congregation, this is just commentary on common Church websites.)


Contestant #1 is First Bethel Baptist. Bethel is 98 years old and enjoys wearing denim jumpers. Bethel reads her Bible daily and believes in good old-fashioned preaching. While her good actions don't get her any closer to heaven, the height of her hair might. Bethel believes that a good church website is simple and contains minimal words, all in a fancy font, as well as plenty of doves. Bethel is looking for a congregant who has no piercings or tattoos and who understands that a good potluck is a gift from the Lord. 

Contestant #2 is New Zion Firstborn Missionary. Zion is the slightly (very, very slightly) younger cousin of Bethel. What Zion lacks in youth, she makes up for in gumption and good fashion taste. Zion enjoys saxophone music and good home cooking. She is very family oriented, and tries not to fight too much with Bethel. While Zion agrees with her cousin on a good dove motif, she keeps her website more up to date and believes a little pizzazz, such as music or video can really add to a church website. Zion is looking for a congregant who doesn't find the Lord stuffy and who is willing to know the God of justice. 

Contestant #3 is Elevate Hope. Welcome home! The youngest of our contestants, Hope wants to set your heart on fire, because this... is where you belong. Hope believes in friendliness and praise choruses. Hope's ideal website (and first date) involves a lot of coffee and words that make you feel comfortable and appreciated. She is a great listener who knows exactly when to smile, touch your hand, or say "hmmm". Hope is looking for a congregant who wants to be filled with the love of Jesus through worship and colorful lights.

Contestant #4 is United River Methodist. River's idea of a perfect day is one spent at the food pantry or homeless shelter. River loves people and Jesus. If you are looking for a church of peace and love, River is the one for you. River believes in a simple website with lots of pictures of starving orphans in Africa. River is looking for a congregant who believes that Jesus is best served through helping the hungry and who is also hungry to hear that you are loved. 

Contestant #5 is Eternal Love. Love loves Jesus, but also believes that however you see Jesus is okay. Love loves celebrating the spirits around us, in us, and near us, whether it's the earth spirit or the mother spirit, or Jesus. Love started a book club in which they are currently going through Eat, Pray, Love (which is Love's favorite book.) Love loves simple websites with the latest upcoming events plastered on the first page. She wants a congregant who is looking to feel welcome and to embrace the good in the world while working to get rid of negative energies. 

Contestant #6 is South Betty Drive Chapel. Betty like banjos and the outdoors. She doesn't have a website, but if you email Jim Bob, he has a computer and he's sure to get back to you.

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